I am glad in my heart to hopefully be finally moving. My spirit wants to
move yesterday, but my body doesn't want to do anything except take it easy.
Mind you, I am contending with constant chronic neck pain, burning nerves
and I wear out quickly after a couple hours, so I'm just taking everything
one day at a time. I want to move in early July, God willing, but it all
depends on how I feel, and if I can get things all ready. Baby steps! I've
learned that by the inch it's a cinch, but by the yard it's hard. If I just
have a plan and stick to it, not thinking about everything else all at once,
it all becomes much less stressful. The Lord is my refuge and strength.
Psalms 57:1, “Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul
trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge,
until these calamities be overpast.” Jesus is so precious to me!!!
Psalms 91:2, “I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.” For the next several months ahead, if all goes well, my life will be hectic and a culture shock for me, moving to a northern climate after having lived on a tropical island for the past 17 years. I just cannot do this loneliness thing anymore, it is killing my soul. Jesus is always with me, but I long for companionship and hunger to love someone. I want to get a couple cats if I ever get to buy a home. I have wanted some cats for a long time, but didn't want to get a cat until I moved. I want two of them, so they can keep each other company when I'm not home. I love cats.
I love Abby, my dream girl. I'll never forget the first time I saw and talked with her in 2017. I learned from my high school teacher, Mrs. Smith, who wisely taught me, “If you like someone, you should always tell them!” And so I did. I told Abby I love her, multiple times since 2017, but sadly she doesn't feel the same toward me. Abby is considerably younger than me, but she has my heart. James Doohan (1920-2005), the man who played “Scotty” on the popular science-fiction TV show Star Trek, married an 18 year old gal when he was 54 years old. They were happily married for 32 years. The famous preacher, Gipsy Smith (1860-1947), at age 78 married a gal of only age 26. Age doesn't matter if two people love each other. I have had two great passionate loves over the past 7 years, Kris and Abby, sadly neither of whom wanted me at Harvest Baptist Church on Guam. My heart was broken both times. I need to love someone!
But I cannot beat myself up because someone else doesn't reciprocate my feelings for them. As the song rightly says, “Everybody Plays The Fool!” I am an emotional and passionate person, which is why I love music so much. Music makes the world a better place. I so much want and need to get back into my musical instruments. I loved playing my ukulele at Harvest Baptist Church and singing along at Watchcare meetings. Harvest's school principle at the time, Doug used to compliment the way I played single note melody on the ukulele. I miss Doug and Karen, they were my friends. I don't blame them for leaving Harvest after the church drove me out. The Bob Jones University graduate pastors of Harvest lack compassion and understanding. They'll never know how much I needed their love as a church, but they instead drove me out and have ostracized me since 2014, like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. I cannot hide my bright shiny King James Bible only nose, that exposes the Devil's corrupt modern Bibles. I cannot hide my bright glowing free grace Gospel only nose, that cuts through the cloudy deceptions of Misunderstood Repentance and Lordship Salvation, which are both deadly arch enemies of soulwinning. I am what I am by God's grace.
I sometimes have dreams at night while sleeping, of Abby resting her head on my shoulder. In my dream I am nervous, because I am so much in love with her, and in disbelief that she is leaning on me. I wake up in tears, because it seems so real. It hurts to be in love with someone who doesn't want you. I believe that every warm-blooded living creature knows what love is. I sure do! I often wonder where Abby came from. Is she an orphan? Is she here from another country attending Bible college at Harvest? I don't know, but she intrigues me. I saw Abby carrying a big ole giant full-sized carpet the other day, which was quite impressive. She stopped, turned, and looked at me. I about strained my arm waving at her. The Bible says that Isaac loved Rebekah the first time he met her, and she was already going to be his wife. I'll bet Isaac was worrying, hoping that Eleazar didn't bring back a horrible woman! I loved Abby the first time I saw her. I do love Abby tremendously. She is the only reason I would stay on Guam, but she hasn't shown any interest in getting to know me. I would do anything for her.
So that's that. I don't know what else to do except leave, because holding on to a pipe dream is killing my heart each day. It hurts too much to see her, and we cannot even talk because she won't reciprocate my feelings. Anyway, perhaps I am sharing too much of my heart, but Abby reads my articles, and this is the only way I can communicate with her, since she asked me in 2017 not to contact her. What's a poor guy in love to do? As Hebrews 12:2a wonderfully says, “LOOKING TO JESUS, the Author and Finisher of our faith.” I keep hearing dating experts say that the fastest way to lose a woman is to place her on a pedestal. They say women don't want a guy that does that, but I am not smart enough to know how else to show my affection for someone that I truly love. I'm just a loving man, in bodily pain all the time, who doesn't fit in with people to well, but I sure want to. I just need to find a church that doesn't give up on people!
If you have never read Michael P. Bowen's wonderful book, 'I NEVER KNEW YOU,' he shares his own inexplicable pain with failed female relationships, missing out on marriage and how beloved women broke his heart again and again. That is one reason why I keep Michael's helpful book in my vehicle, and read it every time I do my laundry, because I can relate to his pain and it encourages me that I am not alone. I am like Michael, I try too hard to pursue women that I love, and they don't want that. I simply don't know any better way. I could never ignore the woman that I love, and not wave at her, and not pray for her, and not want to be a part of her life, spoiling her with attention. I honestly don't think Michael nor myself did anything wrong, we just haven't found the right woman yet. I don't know if the author of the book has met someone yet, but I haven't, and I am in pain of soul without someone to share my life with.
My father was an orphan in Escanaba, Michigan. My uncle, my father's brother, was killed as a U.S. soldier fighting during the Korean War. My father had a rough youth, but was adopted by a Christian couple who owned a farm. Later, long story short, my father became a Skid Row minister in Chicago. I grew up around Skid Row, seeing people's broken lives, where sin takes them. Luke 7:47, “Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.” I learned how to love, being around Skid Row. In hindsight, I believe God was preparing me for my website ministry, which exponentially has reached more people for Christ than I ever could have any other capacity as a servant of God.
Due to my loneliness without a wife since 2006, and no local church family, I battle often against depression and have stopped playing my musical instruments over a year ago. I did force myself for years to make music, coping with my loneliness and no church family after Harvest shunned me away, but I just couldn't do it anymore, the pain in my soul became too great after 2017 when Kris rejected me. And then Abby. So moving is good for me, and LONG overdue. I will always love Kris and Abby. It is not their fault they don't feel the same toward me, as I do intimately toward them with love and care, because beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. You cannot force someone to love you, but you can learn to love someone else. I learned that from a friend at Hyles-Anderson College (HAC), which was wise advice.
I am so thankful for HAC, and I still love them all dearly as my home college. I am sad that HAC changed their position on the Bible since 2008, no longer believing that the King James Bible is inerrant and inspired by God. Most HAC alumni have just ignored the issue, moving forward in support of HAC as if nothing has changed, but it sure has changed. It's a big deal! Pastor Jack Hyles (1926-2001) fought to defend and proclaim the inspiration of the King James Bible. In a classic positional sermon in 1994 titled, 'THE BATTLE OF THE AGES,' Dr. Hyles said of himself, “the King James Bible has a new champion.” I thank God for Pastors' Al Lacy, Jack Hyles, Bob Gray Sr., David Baker and others who have stood for the inspiration of the Holy Bible. If the King James Bible is not inspired by God, then men inspired it and we simply cannot trust it. The truth has few friends these days! I pray to God that He would give me a wife who appreciates a truth-teller.
I so much want to get back into my music. Appalachia is banjo country! I have a Recording King banjo now with a maple neck, but it was made in China and that bothers me, as it lacks the banjo tone that I crave. I'd love to visit a banjo store and try out the different banjos. My all-time favorite musical artist is Lloyd Green, whose gifted pedal steel guitar artistry has been recorded on over 10,000 songs! Jerry Byrd comes in second for his thousands of majestic recordings on Hawaiian steel guitar. And thirdly is Dave Hum, my favorite banjo artist. These men are the Pastor Jack Hyles of music in my life, and I cherish them all!!! Tommy Immanuel is a beautiful man, sharing his heart through his acoustic guitar with the world. I heard Tommy say not too long ago in a concert that his voice was hoarse, from the prescription drugs that he takes for depression. Many musicians suffer from depression, as I do sometimes. I was looking at some old Hawaiian steel guitar videos that I made about 10 years ago. My life and heart are stuck, and no man cares for my soul, as David experienced too. Psalms 142:4, “I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul.”
I have held off on buying anything until after I move, God willing, as shipping from Guam to the United States is ridiculously high. It is going to cost me $6,500 just for one crate, and about $8,500 for two crates (4' x 7 x 8'). I am leaving most of my stuff behind, so I can hopefully fit all my junk into one crate, but I am going to have to leave behind a lot of good stuff. I'll just give it to the landlord. I'm taking my musical instruments and amplifiers, boxes of Bible college notes, musical courses, love notes to Abby (just kidding), family photos, kid's artwork (I save all that stuff), and a thousand other things, which takes up space quickly. I'm leaving 80% of my things behind, but that is good for a Pack Rat like me...lol. I save everything. I so much miss my library. I had to give most of my books away, because I simply had too much stuff. Lord willing, if He ever gives me a home again, I want to amass a giant library again, to use in my articles. I want to buy the whole collection of commentaries from the Sword Of The Lord of Dr. John R. Rice. I gave most of mine away, but I miss them.
Johnson City, Tennessee looks like a great place to live. I have never been there, but I visited Knoxville in 2013 for a month. I liked Knoxville. Fountain City up north is pretty. I drove through Ashville, North Carolina and into Winston-Salem, down to Charlotte, and back to Tennessee. I saw Bible verses on people's front lawns as I drove around north Knoxville, which was beautiful. It was the fall season and the vivid foliage colors I beheld were breathtaking. Why did I pick Johnson City? No particular reason. I'd live at Antarctica if Abby came with me and wanted to live there as my wife. The fact that I cannot stop thinking about Abby is one reason I need to move. She has my heart, but I don't have hers, and so I am frustrated and lonely, stuck in a bad spot on Guam with no church to attend. I am lonely.
Granted, I do change my mind about places to move often, so I might decide next week to move to Wichita, Kansas. Who knows! I do like Kansas. But I like that there is no personal income tax in Tennessee. I mean, since I have a choice of where I live, and one state doesn't appeal to me more than another, why not move to a tax-free state? Texas, Wyoming, Nevada, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Washington, South Dakota and Florida are all income tax-free states. That is, there is no state income tax. So I narrowed my choices down to those states. Guam has no state tax. I don't buy much, so I don't care about the 9% sales tax in Tennessee. If I ever get remarried, hopefully, God willing, I want her to spend all our money. That would make me happy, to make her happy, and spoil her with love. I am tired of living alone. I don't want to control a wife, I want to make her as free as she can be, so she'll be relaxed and content living with me. As a wise man once said about wives, “You need to give them a reason to stay.” I like that.
Anyway, I just took my pain medications because my neck is really hurting. I am concerned a bit that I might not be able to get the 80 mg of Oxycontin that I have been taking every day since 2010. When I went to visit Tennessee in 2013, and was seriously considering moving there, I was told by the doctor's office there that I won't get more than 60 mg per day. I can get by with that. Prescription drug abuse and death is a very big problem (an epidemic in fact) throughout the entire Appalachia region of the United States. So I have already decided to just place the matter into the Lord's hands. If I am going to move, I absolutely cannot be worrying about everything. So I am determined to move, and to just go with the flow, smile, love everyone with God's unconditional love, and praise the Lord always no matter what happens!
I am still looking at Knoxville and the surrounding areas. That is how I found Johnson City. I like Knoxville, but it seems everybody is moving there and driving the costs up, from what I have read. It is important that I move to an affordable place. Bristol is also interesting. I'll figure this out, with God's help. We don't know what a day may bring. I am looking for a place to move, and as of right now, it is Johnson City, Tennessee. I had also considered Texas and Florida, but I feel more at home with Tennessee. That is where my heart keeps returning to, so I am going with that. I love country music. The Smokey Mountains are beautiful. As you can tell, I have no idea what I am doing. I need a wife to help me figure out my life, and boss me around...lol. That would make things much easier, wouldn't it. Please marry me Abby...lol. She hasn't been here for 3 days and I miss her. I cannot help but think about the one I love. I respect Abby and will miss her after I move. She's a good gal.
One of my biggest concerns is finding a good church to attend. I am not sure of that in Johnson City, so that may be a problem to move there. I really like the Temple Baptist Church in Powell, Tennessee, just outside of Knoxville. I admire Pastor Clarence Sexton tremendously and my heart has always wanted to visit their church. I don't agree with their young earth view, or denial of the inspiration of the King James Bible, but I don't think I could find a better soulwinning church in east Tennessee that truly loves people. I dread attending some dead church, where there are little or no young people. Temple Baptist Church is alive with youth, and their college, and that's the kind of growing church I want to support and attend. I love their Bus Ministry! So my heart is there. I have to keep doing my homework. Right now millions of people are moving to the smaller cities, making it difficult to rent an apartment or buy a home. So that may delay my move for awhile. I'll have to wait and see. One day at a time! I just want a small 1 bedroom rental for $600 a month. I need to contact a realtor in Knoxville to see what's available.
I admit that I am reluctant to move. Meeting new people can be intimidating. I have a great doctor right now, which I've only had for a few months. I finally found a good doctor, and now I am moving. Gee whiz! But nothing has changed in my situation for several years. I love the calm, quiet and laidback lifestyle on Guam. But without a gal to share it all with, for me at least, it is depressing every day. Furthermore, I could never afford to buy a home here. I lost my first home when my former wife divorced me in 2006. Attorneys will take everything you own, and feel no guilt whatsoever. I detest lawyers, who prey upon the weak during the darkest hours of their life, taking advantage of people financially and even emotionally, manipulating people. Hell is filled with lawyers! That is why gravediggers bury lawyers 10 feet deep instead of 6, because deep down under they're not really that bad! Do you know the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding, scavenger, the other's just a fish! I have many more lawyer jokes, but I'll spare you. Even Jesus knew how rotten lawyers are—Luke 11:52a, “Woe unto you, lawyers!” I digress.
God willing I hope to move. I am grateful for everything I have, and don't have. If I move to Tennessee, and my life sinks deeper into the miry depths of life's unfairness and misery, I will PRAISE THE LORD for His abundant goodness and mercy! Psalms 145:9, “The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.” I so much desire to make music again. I love any musical instrument with strings on it. Once I find a major 1-3-5 chord, I can figure out how to play any stringed instrument in just a few minutes. Acquiring the skills, like playing a stringed harp, is something that develops over a lifetime. Like anything else, the more time you spend with it, the better you get.
Jerry Byrd (1920-2005) wisely said, “When you're as good as you want to be, you're as good as you're going to get.” Jerry is so right! The same holds true of sanctification in the Christian life. When you're as good a Christian as you want to be, you're as good a Christian as you're going to get! I love that truth. I read that it takes about 5,000 hours of banjo playing to become a professional banjo player. I agree. That's about 5 years of playing 4 hours a day. There's simply not enough hours in a day for me to learn, and become skillful, at all the different instruments I want to play. I may discontinue my e-mail for a year or so, because I need a break from everything.
I just wanted to share my heart a bit in this article. Johnson City has great schools. Although I don't have school age children anymore, great schools say a lot about a community. I think more than any other indicator about considering a place to live, the attitude of the community is reflected by their quality of education. A highly rated school system shows that people care in a community. When I see poor education in a city, that tells me that the people in charge of the schools are incompetent and the community doesn't care as it should. Today's children are tomorrow's future! So I think that speaks very well for Johnson City. The city is highly rated to raise a family. Crime is lower than the national average. The city is 90% white, which I love. I am not racist, God knows, but I love living around white people, since I am white. I love the Bible Belt, since I am a born-again Christian. I can't wait to visit some Baptist churches in the area, and settle down in one. I'm going to start with the churches with Bus Ministries, Lord willing. I need some Christian fellowship. I hope to play my musical instruments with others, but I have to wait and see. Albeit, I still like Knoxville, since I am originally from Chicago, and am a city fella.
Johnson City is not a big city. I like knowing my neighbours. The city has a population of about 66,000 people. I don't want to live in a ghetto area. By God's grace, as a believer I want to think right, live right and do right. I fear God and want to keep His commandments (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14). I am going to love people, everyone, regardless of who they are. I was listening to Dr. Shelton Smith today on his “Making A Difference” radio broadcast for Tuesday, May 18th. Pastor Smith said that a mature believer will try to get along with difficult believers, and not fight with them. As humans we tend to conflict with each other due to our differences. Attitude is everything! I love something that Pastor Jack Hyles said:
“I believe any man in this world, can love any other man in this world, if he thinks right! The reason you hate is because you think hate. The reason you love is because you think love.” —Dr. Jack Hyles, a quote from the excellent MP3 sermon, “What The Law Could Not Do” (July 5, 1987 - First Baptist Church of Hammond, PM service)
I have been mistreated, abused and hurt by countless people throughout my life, especially religious people. We are commanded to love them, for God is love. It was the heavenly Father's love that sent Christ into the world to die on the cross for our sins (2nd Corinthians 5:21).
Anyway, these are my tentative plans as of right now. I so much don't want to be here on Guam alone through another Christmas. It hurts to be left out of Harvest's Christmas Lights Festival, and to be forgotten by them year after year. They were (and still are) my beloved church family, but they betrayed my love and trust. I helped them to see THE TRUTH, but they rejected that truth (Hosea 4:6). I used to take photos, invite my family, and enjoy being at Harvest church in December. They don't care about my feelings at Harvest, they just judge and condemn me. I sometimes think they actually rejoice in my calamity, since they haven't lifted a finger to show any compassion, concern or desire to make peace. I just don't understand that kind of worldly apathy, selfishness, coldness and pride. But that is also a reason why I need to move, to close this dark chapter of my life, and move on.
I am not escaping Guam, I just don't see anything changing if I stay here. At least if things don't work out in Tennessee, I can easily move around in the states without having to cross the ocean and continents, which is much more costly and difficult to do. If I don't adjust well to the cold, then I might head down to southern Florida or Arizona to rent a place to live. Brother Hyles taught me that our future plans are fantasies, not reality; because our future plans never include negatives, but reality has negatives. So he said to always anticipate negatives, so we don't become shattered when things don't work out as expected. LOOKING TO JESUS (Hebrews 12:2). My neck pain is a constant burden for me, making everything more difficult. Pain is debilitating, adversely affecting how I feel throughout the day. I usually just lay down and rest. As I said, I may get rid of my e-mail for a year or so, until I settle down. I need to disappear for awhile to heal emotionally. I am so tired in my soul. I need a church family. Most churches are pathetic today. I watched a YouTube video of a Baptist church service in Johnson City, and literally there was only one woman in the pews. ONE! The people up on stage where trying to perform some Contemporary Christian Music (CCM). They weren't very good either.
I look forward to enjoying the fall season. I really love and miss the fall season, my favorite. I will miss the coconut trees on Guam, and the friendly island people (most of them), but I need for something to change in my life. I need to find a companion. At a minimum, I need a church family. I need a pastor. There is more to life than existing. So I am hoping to move during the summer, enjoy the fall, and ease into the cold winter. But if my neck hurts, and I don't feel up to it, or I wait too long into the fall, I will be here on Guam for another year, God willing. I want to move, but for me it is challenging. And hey, if I leave and miss Guam, I can always come back. But I'd only do that, I think, if I find a sweet woman to marry. I don't want to marry just anybody. The chemistry must be right. My life has been an open book that I share with my web visitors. God is good. I don't care what critics say anymore. To Hell with the self-righteous! I also thought about moving to the Big Island in Hawaii, where I spent a month in 2013. What an interesting place! It was dreamy. I wish I could take Abby there to visit, and see the volcanoes.
I don't claim to be a good Christian, nor do I desire to be. The so-called “good Christians” that I know are some of the worst people I know. Pastor Hyles often said he wasn't a good Christian either, but he taught me to make pleasing God my goal, and if that makes me a bad Christian, then so be it. Harvest Baptist Church on Guam thinks I am a bad Christian, but I preach THE TRUTH, while they pervert the Gospel, pervert the true meaning of repentance and promote corrupt Bibles. So who is the better Christian? I do not think most of them are even saved. How can they be, trusting in Lordship Salvation? They go to church every Sunday, while I sit home watching TV, because they refuse to allow me to attend their church services. What does that say about Harvest? God won't blame me because Harvest's bad pastors refused to allow me to attend church. I know there are some saved people (wheat) at Harvest (at least there were in 2014 when I attended for a year), but the church is also filled with mostly unsaved tares. That is what happens when you use different Bible versions! You end up with tares among the wheat.
I could say so much more. I love Abby and will miss looking for her each day. I wish she would marry me and come with me. That is the most exciting part of my day, seeing Abby arrive. I miss her immensely when she doesn't come. That is when you know you love somebody, because you get happy when they are nearby. Lord willing, after I move, my feelings will subside in time, and this door will close as another one opens. I have little idea of what to expect moving to Johnson City, Tennessee. The city has lots of parks. That means I can feed the squirrels again with a big bag of walnuts, one of my absolute favorite pastimes! Guam has NO squirrels. Can you believe that! Even Hawaii has squirrels! I really want to seriously get into my banjo playing. I am good at banjo, but most proficient at pedal steel guitar. The banjo is so beautiful.
But from all I have read, it seems like a reasonable choice to relocate to Johnson City in east Tennessee. I also thought about living in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, a Smokey Mountain town of about 4,000 people. I may still move there, but I like the much larger population of Johnson City of 66,000 people. Cookeville has about 33,000 residents in central Tennessee, which is where I considered moving in 2013. They got slammed with deadly tornadoes a couple years ago. Tornadoes are rare in eastern Tennessee. I know that there are no perfect destinations. People are people, wherever we go. When we move, we are just trading one set of circumstances and problems for another. In moving, we always gain something, and we lose something. That is why rich people often own multiple homes in several different regions of the United States and even abroad. I have a cabin in Heaven, my eternal home, waiting for me...lol. Yeah, buddy, I can't wait. Remember all you saints, we are not settlers here on earth, we are just pilgrims passing through. This world is not our home! I love you all. Thank you for reading my rants. I just want to be a blessing to help others.
I'm going to put my stuff into DeWitt storage on Guam, for a few months, just in case I feel overwhelmed and need to return (as I did in 2013). But that would bring me back to square one, without a church to attend. Please pray for God to give me wisdom, strength physically and emotionally, and for all to go according to God's will (whether good or bad). I don't pray for good to happen in my life, but for God's will. Perhaps God needs to break me further. Lord take him, break him and make him! I have to find a doctor and a place to rent in Tennessee. Those are my two top priorities, and then everything else will fall into place. I'll use UPS Store instead of the U.S. Postal Service, which is far more reliable, and they can sign for my packages. I need to buy a used vehicle when I get there. I'll likely use Cargurus.com to do that. God willing, the first place I want to eat in Johnson City is at Sonic Drive-in! I love their double-cheeseburgers! Then I can't eat for the rest of the day...lol. I am going to lose weight and stay skinny, no matter what! So far so good.
Okay, that's all for now. If you've made it this far in my article, THANK YOU! Thank you for your continued interest in my life and ministry. I am just a humble sinner, a nobody, a broken man who wants to be used of God to help others. That was my prayer all during my Bible college days, for God to make use of this clay. I believe He has, for which I am eternally grateful. I give Jesus ALL the praise, credit and glory for anything good ever accomplished through this unworthy dirt. Isaiah 64:8, “But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.”
